"For over two decades, Apple has been synonymous with innovation. Our track record is unparalleled. The iMac, the iPod, the iPhone, the iPad. We revolutionized the music industry with the iTunes Store. We invented apps. We're the most profitable and successfully company in the world and that's why today, Apple is releasing something even more extraordinary - Nothing.
Just let that sink in for a moment. What could be more simple, more beautiful than nothing? Why should we introduce a new product when we are already selling millions of the old ones every day around the world? We deserve a break. That's why starting today, Apple is going to start coasting. That's right, from now on we're not going to bring you more of the new devices you've come to expect from Apple. No new iPhones, no new iPads. No other company on earth would dare do this except Apple.
Yep, I know what you're thinking. Aren't our investors going to abandon us. Hardly. After all we have 80 billion dollars in cash and we just got 500 journalists to show up to a press conference at which we announced nothing. I think it's pretty clear we're doing fine. Look our stock is going up a hundred points.
There are three things we love here at Apple: Sleep, family time, and golf. Sleep, family time, and golf. Sleep, family time, and golf. Are you getting it yet? These are the things we're going to be doing now. Even better we're shutting down our Chinese factories and our customers can ontinue to use their old Apple products without feeling like a loser.
The best part? All this innovation comes to you absolutely free. From all of us at Apple we say to you, we're good. We don't need anymore of your money right now. There you have it, this year Apple will be releasing - Nothing.
One more thing. We're buying Google."
Watch the video below!